What is Imago?

 We define Imago as the unconscious image of the person your childhood programmed you to fall in love with, which you then find or project onto your partner. 

Further, we actually choose our partners for two basic reasons:  they have both the positive and negative characteristics of the people who raised us, and they compensate for lost aspects of ourselves which were cut off in childhood.  

 

A New Idea about Marriage

 Harville Hendrix has proposed and proven that the unconscious purpose of marriage is to finish your childhood, to heal your childhood wounds.    For this reason, you choose someone to activate the most undeveloped parts of your self, to stir things up so that they can be worked through and finished, because we cannot be happy going through life with unfinished business.

 

In Imago Relationship Therapy, we teach couples how to go from an unconscious marriage to a conscious marriage.

What is a conscious marriage?

Harville Hendrix lists the 10 characteristics of a conscious marriage in his book Getting the Love You Want:

 

Ten Characteristics of a Conscious Marriage

(Harville Hendrix, Ph.D.  Getting The Love You Want, Ch. 6)

 

 

1.              You realize your marriage has a hidden purpose: the healing of childhood wounds.

 

2.              You create a more accurate image of your partner [also struggling to be healed].

 

3.              You take responsibility for communicating your needs and desires to your partner.

 

4.              You become more intentional  [rather than reactive] in your interactions.  This means that when something occurs, we do not spontaneously "react" to it, but rather, we consider our response, we do or say what we "intend" to, which often means reflecting what has happened. 

 

5.              You learn to value your partner's needs and wishes as highly as you value your own.

 

6.              You embrace the dark side of your personality.  (So that you do not need to project it.)

 

7.              You learn new techniques to satisfy your basic needs and desires.

 

8.              You search within yourself for the strengths and abilities you are lacking.

 

9.              You become more aware of your drive to become whole and loving and united with the universe.

 

10.       You accept the difficulty of creating a good marriage.              

          (It requires commitment, discipline, and the courage to grow and change.)

 

Rather than believe that the way to have a good marriage is to pick the right partner, you realize that you have to be the right partner.

 

To learn more about Imago go to the website of Imago Relationships International, or read Getting the Love You Want  by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D.

 

Imago Relationship Therapy is a process of teaching couples how to communicate so that they are heard, understood, and empathized with.

You  are taught a very powerful tool, the Intentional Dialogue, which will create safety, understanding, and acceptance in your relationship.  And you will learn several ways to use this basic tool.

You will look at the contribution of your childhood experiences to your current relationship patterns.

You will learn how to motivate your partner to change, and you yourself will grow through change.

Romance and Fun are important parts of a relationship, and you will learn how to enhance those parts of your relationship.

Imago is different from most other types of couples' therapy, in that the couple talk to each other, not to the therapist. The therapist is a coach, who teaches new information and tools which the couple practice, and continue to practice at home, so that they will become able to work on their own when new challenges arise in the future.

 

Imago Relationship Therapy is helpful for young couples with or without children, couples married a few years who seem to be arguing "too much", couples married 20 years with teen-age children, couples in their 50's and 60's ("empty nest" or "sandwich" couples), couples married for the first time or more than once.

It is also helpful to couples of any age who are in a serious relationship and need some help in deciding if they do want to marry/progressing to the step of marriage.  These may be individuals who have never been married, or those who are previously married and don't want to make the same mistakes twice.

The usual course is 12 sessions of one or one and a half hours, every week or every two weeks.

Unmarried couples who are interested in preparing for marriage or deciding about marriage may choose to attend fewer sessions.

 

Charlotte Slopak Goller, Ph.D. licensed Clinical Psychologist and Imago Relationship Therapist has 40 years experience as a therapist in New York and Jerusalem.