'That does not compute ' said Data
'A human such as he
Is such a great example
Of male virility'

'Well' said CharM - quite huffily
'Pardon me if I may be so bold
But I tried all my womanly wiles
His reaction just left me cold'

'Thats no surprise' muttered Pearl
And gave a little cough
'Just cos she has her purple hair
Like that should be enough!'

He didnt react to my chat up line
said Europa - quoting it with glee
'Is that a stun gun in your pocket
or are you just pleased to see me?'

Meanwhile Uschi sat apart
With a smile that was too bright
Data looked at her and thought
'There's something not quite right?'

He blinked his eyes and suddenly
A circuit in his brain
Engaged him then in random thoughts
It really was a strain

To find the information
Of the Borg he knew he had
Meant lots of electricity
Surging through his head

All at once - his eyes lit up
His head did a full rotation
Connecting to a socket downloaded
A mathematical notation

'Well thats a lot of help' said Pearl
'It looks like gobble de gook
'Look closer' replied Data
So they leaned in and had a look.

'Aaaaaah we see it now' they said
'That is really neat'
'How did you manage to make it so
jumbled up - yet so complete'

Looking closely at the screen
And concentrating hard
They saw the outline of the face
Of their man Jean Luc Picard

'Now this' said Data 'is what we need
To help us in our quest
A physiological profile
That was done at his behest'

'If he has been assimilated
As you all insist
Then he needs to be reprogrammed
With the data held in this'

'How does that work' asked CharM - confused
'Where do we plug him in'
Europa bit her tongue to stop
Herself from chipping in

CharM saw the look on Europa's face
And gave her such a glare
'You hussy' she said with eyes ablaze
'Trust you to think of THERE!!'

By this time Data was all perplexed
He didnt understand
The workings of the female mind
When it came to all things man

'So what you are saying' Uschi said
'is it's like XP but more
To get him back to what he was
We need to do a restore'

Looking at Uschi - Pearl just glared
Then gave another cough
Europa said 'Come on now girls
Lets not let things get rough'

'So how do you propose' asked Pearl
'We get this info into him
Now we know its life but not
As we know it - Jim! ' (don't ask!!!)

'Oh that is easy' Data smiled
'It really is a cinch
You just insert this little chip
He'll only feel a pinch'

'Ok so now we have to decide'
Said Europa - 'Who can do
This restore by getting close enough
So he doesnt have a clue'

And so they all began at once
As to why they were the one
Who could get nearest to Jean Luc
Ensuring a job well done

'Ladies - ladies' Data cried
'No need for all this
I'll just do a replication
So you all can have a chip'

And so he pressed some buttons
Twiddled knobs and then
There they were - the replicants
One for each of them

Now you all must go away
And think of your own plan
On how you'll get the Capt chipped
And back to being THE MAN!

So off our motley crew did go
All with great presumption
That they would be the one to prove
Their ability at seduction.

Later that day in engineering
They each brought up their plan
Each one confident in the fact
That theirs would get the man

CharM favoured a full on approach
Pearl wanted to be more discreet
Uschi decided brain power was best
For Europa it was heat

Each one had an hour to try
Their individual plan of action
'Remember ladies' Data said
'Failure is not an option'

Charm was first one off the block
She set off to find the main man
Wearing an outfit that Pearl described
As 'mutton dressed as lamb'

(Please note these comments are no way a true reflection of the people involved in this tale - they are purely for artistic poetic purposes!! )

She sashayed up onto the bridge
Swaying her hips as she went
She walked in to hear the Captain say
'Can someone close that vent'

He turned around and saw her there
A smile played on her lips
As she swayed he asked of her
'Is there something wrong with your hips?'

'Why no Captain sir' she replied
Her voice was husky and deep
Flicking her hair over to one side
She leapt and landed at his feet

However our brave adventurer did
Land awkwardly and so
With just about her pride intact
Off to sick bay she did go

A broken foot was diagnosed
The doctor was unforgiving
'A woman of your age should know
That the flesh isnt always willing'

'What do you mean?' CharM bristled
I'm not some old boiler
'Yeah right' he smiled 'You'll be telling me next
That that's you're natural colour'

So one is down and three to go
Pearl was next one up
She entered the bridge with a smile on her face
Carrying a coffee cup

'A Tim Hortons for you my Captain
To keep your mind alert
I hear CharM is in sick bay
That woman's a terrible flirt'

'I wouldnt know' the Captain said
I have a ship to run'
Leaning over he whispered to Pearl
'Errrr any chance of a bun'

'No problem Captain - straight away
Your wish is my command
Would you like a neck rub
I have gentle healing hands'

With that she stood behind the chair
The chip hidden in her palm
As she laid her hands upon his neck
He grabbed her and in alarm

Shouted 'Get this woman off my bridge!
Security - take her away
What is wrong with everyone
I don't need more stress in my day'

So poor Pearl was hauled off
Without pomp or circumstance
And so we are left with two my friends
To take their only chance

To use their brains and beauty
Their beloved Captain to free
But who will be victorious
Europa or Uschi?

So we find that Europa
Was to follow Pearl and CharM
She had the chip concealed
Within the sleeve of her right arm

But when she reached the bridge
The Captain - he was missing
So she set off to search the ship
She had to complete her mission

She found him in the unisex
Sauna - down on ship's deck four
So making sure he was alone
She began to remove her clothes

(If you are of a nervous dispostion I would strongly advise you not to try and imagine that scene!!)

But where was she to hide the chip
A problem that did pose
There was no other option but
To shove it up her nose

Entering the sauna at first she thought
That the Captain had been and gone
Then she suddenly realised
She'd left her spectacles on (they had steamed up in case you're wondering)

Removing them she stumbled in
And found herself a seat
A sidelong glance across the room
Caused her heart to miss a beat

She saw the Captain sitting there
His head it was a glistening
She scooted up alongside of him
And heard him quietly whistling

He did not seem to notice
This beauty by his side (hey its my poem sooooooo.......lol)
So she stuck her finger up her nose
And retrieved what was inside

Remembering her mission
She slowly raised her hand
Oh she would show the others
That she could get her man

Europa lunged with lightening speed
Her instincts were supreme
Holding the chip she made her move
Then she heard a piercing scream

The loudness of it unnerved her so
She released the hold of her arm
As she did - he turned around
Cor blimey - it was CHARM!!!

'What in heaven are you doing
You maniac' CharM said
Europa couldnt speak - her eyes
Were fixed upon CharM's head

'Where's your hair' Europa asked
'And why arent you in sick bay
Europa suddenly burst out laughing
'Oh this has made my day'

'Shut up' said CharM - 'The doctor said
That heat may help my foot
So I came in here to sort it out
Trust you to just show up'

'What are you doing here anyway
Not that I give a fig'
But Europa was too busy laughing
'Oh gosh - you wear a wig'

CharM pushed Europa hard
She fell on her behind
'I cant believe you thought I was him
You must be flipping blind'

'Oh am sorry' cried Europa
Wiping tears from her eyes
'I can't see without my glasses
And you were a big surprise'

CharM looked at Europa sitting there
And tears formed in her eyes
'Please dont tell anyone else about this
You know I have my pride'

Europa - who wasnt a bad sort really
Felt sorry as could be
'Don't worry - I wont say a word
Your secret's safe with me'

So another mission hits the deck
And as day turned into night
One left to save Jean Luc
Can Uschi get it right?

The story so far is not too good
Success it has not prevailed
Will Uschi be the one who does
Succeed where others have failed

Two days later we find our crew
Back to normal service
Uschi still hasnt made her move
Which makes the others nervous

'I wish she'd get on with it'
Pearl said with a note of dismay
'She's had two days so far for this
She's leaving it late in the day'

Just then Uschi made her move
She slowly approached Jean Luc
'Captain sir - I have a problem
could you take a look?'

The Captain looked across the bridge
'Can Data not assist you'
Data replied ' I'm sorry sir
I just need to go to the loo'

'What is it Uschi - let me look'
Said Jean Luc - somewhat perturbed
'Its instructions Sir - for the megatron
I don't understand a word'

Just then the bridge door opened
In walked a figure of awesome size
The girls all stared and Jean Luc glared
As Kevin Spock they did espy

'Good evening Captain - ladies
So what do we have we here
I think you'll find that all not is
As it does first appear'

The Captain looked at Mr Spock
'What do you mean to say'
'Well' said Spock ' these ladies mean
To have their wicked way'

'They think you've been assimilated
By the Borg and so they say
That you are not the man they thought
In fact they think you're gay'

The girls all looked round horrified
What did he think he was doing
By telling the Captain of their thoughts
Their plan he would soon ruin

'They think I'm GAY' the Captain laughed
A bit too highly pitched
'And the Borg have assimilated me
Oh gosh thats really rich'

'Not that there's anything wrong of course
With actually being gay
But I am a full red blooded man
I wouldnt be any other way

'But you were immune to our advances'
said Pearl and Charm together
'Well dear ladies - that's because
You have no idea how to pull a fella'

Europa then noticed Spock made a move
Towards Uschi and grabbed her hand
He whispered something in her ear
She nodded and as if on command

Walked over to where Jean Luc stood
And said 'I must bring to your attention
This chip they wanted to insert into you
But I couldnt do that to my Captain'

'Why you traitor' cried Europa
'I'll do you serious harm'
She launched at Uschi but was stopped
By the Captain - Pearl and CharM

A big fight then ensued on deck
A sight to make you cringe
No one noticed Mr Spock
Take out a large syringe

Grabbing Jean Luc by the head
He plunged the plunger down
Deep into the jugular - making
Him collapse upon the ground

The others stopped their fighting
And watched with horror as Jean Luc
Turned into a pulsating mess
Very much like Klingon poop.

'Oh My God you've killed him'
They cried and falling in a heap
They held each other closely
And all began to weep

There suddenly appeared a blinding flash
That took them by surprise
When it was gone the girls looked up
And couldnt believe their eyes

For stood there in all his glory
Was their saviour Mr Spock
But he also looked like their Jean Luc
It really was a shock

'I don't understand' said CharM confused
'Who the heck are you - you look like
Our dear Captain - but
you look just like Spock too'

Jean Luc/Spock gave a hearty laugh
'Oh its me your Captain - your rock
One half was assimilated by the Borg
The other was morphed into Spock'

'Uschi has been formulating some
Long forgotten theorum
And collecting ingredients far and wide
To make a successful serum'

'Unfortunately for Spock and I
The time was running out
And the only thing Uschi couldnt find
Was scrapings of pig snout'

'So we decided to take a chance
On using what we had
And as you can see it didnt work fully
But hey I don't look that bad'

'I have the best of both men
Which bits though - well thats to be seen
So come on girls and line up
If I remember you really were keen'

Europa and Uschi and Pearl
Looked at each other and said
'Well errrrr thanks but no thank you Captain
We think we will just go to bed'

However CharM she had other ideas
And adjusting her wig now the colour of lime
Said ' Well Captain Jean Luc/Spock - whoever
I think we should make up for lost time'

So sashaying close up beside him
She locked herself onto his lips
Just as Jean Luc was proclaiming
'Are you sure nothing's wrong with your hips?'

Europa looked over to Uschi
And taking her hand in her own
Said 'I'm sorry I called you a traitor'
'Thats Ok' Uschi said ' Let's go home'

And so it was CharM who succeeded
In getting Jean Luc/Spock alone
But worry not for our three other ladies
No need to let out a groan

For they made a formidable trio
Making conquests of men by the score
They had mastered the art of exploring the men
Where no woman has explored before

In fact they invented a saying
That went down in folklore and rhyme
They wore badges that proudly declared it
'So many men yet so little time!!'

So I come to the end of this saga
A tale full of excitement and quips
Though of one thing I dont know the answer
'What has CharM done to her hips??'

THE END!!! (Phew!!!)