Interview with Anna Marie Franco, Imago Relationship Therapist
By Nevin Valentine and Darrell Holdaway
Presidents of Imago Couples International
Early in our relationship Anna Marie Franco, an Imago Therapist, was recommended to us by Nevin’s sister Andrea Kelly, who is also an Imago Therapist. We knew from our first meeting that Anna Marie had special gifts and would help us greatly. What she does in the course of a session is magical. Often we would enter the session deeply disconnected. As she coached us through a dialogue, we would suddenly be able to see the other as a wounded child. Empathy and love would replace our reactivity and anger. We would find ourselves laughing at the magical powers of Anna Marie and her ability to help us shift our perspective though the Imago Intentional Dialogue!
In the interview below, Anna Marie shares with us her journey as an Imago Therapist.
What led you to Imago Relationship Therapy?
In 1980 I was working in a church community as a teacher, counselor and pastoral assistant. I was living with two other women who were also serving in nonprofit agencies. One was working with families and had recently attended a workshop for divorced people recovering from their losses. She had heard an amazing speaker talking about how we select partners and why we are attracted to someone who causes such strong positive and negative reactions.
I listened to her tape of Harville Hendrix and loved what I heard. I resonated with his theory, enjoyed his humor and knew right away that I wanted to study his work in depth. The three of us attended one of his first workshops, then called “Love or Illusion,” and became more enamored with his theory and process. I was already working with couples and found his work invaluable to me.
I started teaching his material to groups in Mississippi before he became really well known; that is, before his first appearance on Oprah. I remember that couples both liked his approach and felt challenged by it. In fact, some affectionately called him “Horrible” Hendrix, since his first name was unusual and open to mispronunciation.
Later when Harville landed a two-hour spot on Oprah in the mid 80’s I was delighted to see his work spread and gain the acclaim it deserved.
At my first opportunity I trained with him in San Francisco and was certified in 1992. I have continued to attend conferences, listen in on the weekly Think-Tank sessions and improve my skills in IRT. I am proud to be an Advanced Clinician in Imago Relationship Therapy.
What is different about the Imago therapy?
Harville and Helen Hunt have put it all together in their works, drawing from the best in psychological theory and practice and offering new insights and creative interventions. They offer tools that are excellent in themselves and are easily integrated with other theoretical approaches.
The Intentional Dialogue is the foundation of my work. It provides a structure that can hold many movements which occur dynamically through the process of exploration and communication.
Why did you choose Imago over other types of couples therapy?
IRT is the best. It has a spiritual base running through all of the theory and processes. It is solid, flexible, addresses first as well as second and third order transformation. It is “user friendly” and depth oriented.
One of the things I like best about Harville’s theory is the “stretching principle.” Not only does the wounded person heal by his partner’s stretching out of empathy, but the giver grows at the same time. It is “loving your neighbor and yourself” in concrete form.
What is the best part of your work?
It is an awesome privilege for me every time I can sit with two individuals who are deeply honest about their lives, open to receiving each other and becoming more loving human beings. It is a sacred trust that they place in me as I am allowed to lead them and walk with them through darkness into the light.
I find great satisfaction in watching a couple “get each other,” release their harmful defenses, and find new, positive ways of connecting. I find personal healing and hope when transformation happens within a safe, honest and empathic environment.
When a couple is in session with you, what are your goals and how do you fulfill them? What is your process and what do you want couples to learn?
My goals might be simply stated as CONNECTION, COMPASSION, CONTAINMENT and CONSCIOUSNESS.
I want couples to learn to connect with themselves, their histories, feelings, deepest meanings and goals. I want them to connect with one another as real people, to build genuine bonds and communicate in authentic and healing ways.
I want to help build skills of compassion for themselves and one another, to see beyond the person’s adaptations and defensive patterns to the hurts underneath and learn to show compassion in ways that the other can feel validated, comforted, and empowered to grow. What one person experiences as standing up for him or herself, the other often feels as an attack, so I have to help them make room for each other and find new ways of self-care that include care for the other.
I want to help develop in others the ability to contain the old brain’s patterns of reactivity, to put their automatic responses “into their back pockets” while they are receiving their partner. Once they can “get out of the way,” they can stretch toward new behaviors that are life-enhancing for their partners and for themselves.
I want to build consciousness of one’s own thoughts, feelings and behaviors, their roots in old beliefs and interpretations, childhood wounds and adaptation. Consciousness is about waking up, staying alert to conditioned responses and seeing the possibilities of making new choices that build healthy relationships.
What can a couple expect as your clients?
A couple can expect a skilled therapist and a “wounded healer,” someone who has professional expertise, education and experience and one who is in process of personal healing and growth all the time.
I am direct in my communication and challenging at times and I consider myself an “equal opportunity challenger.” Most people find a great deal of compassion along with it.
In my personal life I tell my friends that I want them to be honest with me, but I ask them to stay with me if I cry and need time to work through the pain of self-awareness. I offer my clients what I want most for myself.
I work intuitively using the Intentional Dialogue as a frame. If the couple is unable to hear one another, I do the listening until they are able. I reach for the deeper feelings under the behaviors and help them feel safe to expose their vulnerability. When they can reach those places, the other often experiences empathy and the process of understanding emerges naturally.
I also focus a great deal on the positives. When they have a good week, we explore the whys of it, what behaviors made the connections happen. They can take responsibility for what they did well and appreciate what their partner did also.
Appreciations are always the first thing we do in session. I believe a simple 100 seconds a day can transform a relationship: a 10-second kiss (long enough to linger but not so long as to miss work), a 30-second hug (where you are allowed to relax in one another’s arms and take a deep breath) and a 60-second appreciation (looking at each other and offering a genuine “thank you” that is warmly received).
Couples can expect lots of hard work, amazing surprises, and some really fun times, too.
Anna Marie Franco is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, educator, consultant, and group facilitator. She is an advanced clinician in Imago Relationship Therapy, trained in 1992 by Dr. Harville Hendrix.
2931 Shattuck Ave., Suite 103, Berkeley, CA 94705
315 Commodore Drive Richmond, CA 94804
510-234-3567
Click for E-Mail: relationshipsalive@sbcglobal.net
