The clubs in the Yorkshire League are split, some have a lot, some have little, while others have sweet f.a. Even at this level money talks. Oaks Undercover is once again taking a look behind the scenes at the plans for the future. We were given complete access to Social Secretary Tom Ward who reveals his 5 point plan for alternate methods of funding.
5) Hold a Bonfire Night Celebration.
"It's a little late this year but my Scout troop always did this and it was brilliant. We used to rake it in, burn out some old cars, and sell baked potatoes at £2 a pop. What a mark up! I remember that one year there was a bit of controversy surrounding the leader. All the parents were livid with him and he just disappeared. The bonfire still went ahead though. Well it was less of a bonfire that year, and more of a wicker man....that Guy was very realistic."
4) Give Dunstan £1 each week to play the lottery.
"I know there was a bit of an issue when he cleaned house at the barbecue raffle, but still that boy is incredibly lucky. I don't think we can get Adriano to rig the lottery draw, though there was a story about him tampering with Lancelot's balls...I digress. The thing with Dunstan is that he seems to create his own luck. Though there are a lot of three footed rabbits at the RSPCA that might disagree with his methods."
3) The Oaks Saturday Night Variety Show
"Again, it's a simple idea. After each home game we charge visitors to watch Oaks doing what they do best. Piss about. Stu has got a sword swallowing act, it's the result of a skill he developed in the army where he would just open his throat and take the lot. That boy can really neck a pint. Tom Watcyn-Jones will be demonstrating his remarkable ability to disappear, and Winston will be performing the first ever canine drag act."
2) Cafe Oaks
"Chick has been left with a bit of a void now he is in retirement so we are going to use his culinary skills to launch Cafe Oaks. He will be able to serve up all his favourite dishes every day and entertain diners with his classic lines 'Do you want some of the special cream sauce', and 'I'm Starsky'. However, we reckon the real money will be made in a corner shop next door where we will be selling antacid tablets and lots of strong durable toilet paper for the day after."
1) Find a Club Sugar Daddy.
"This would be the jackpot, the real pot of gold. For this I am willing to go that little bit further, after dressing as quite an impressive Smurfette at the Halloween party I received a few offers from the front row and decided if I aimed higher I can pull in a few bob."
"I'm going to hang around some pubs in Hathersage looking for a suitably lonely old millionaire, I'll get written into the will, persuade him to marry me, then on the wedding night at the moment of truth the shock should put him out of action. Over comes the money and Oaks have got a new scrum machine."
With these plans in place hopeful there will be a bright future for Sheffield Oaks.
