All at Sheffield Oaks are concerned for the health and well being of fly-half Tom Watcyn-Jones after random breath tests reveal the Welsh wonder had played the league game against Mosborough sober. Close friends had for a long time feared he had a sobriety problem but only now has the full extent been revealed.  A source, who wishes to only be revealed as ‘The Do’, told Oaks Undercover ‘Tom has been sober before but he’s never let it interfere with his rugby. Come three o’clock on a Saturday he could always be guaranteed to be pissed as a poet on payday.’

 

Watcyn-Jones famously went an entire week sober, ensuring he got plenty of bed rest, and keeping topped up with his five a day. During benders he would drink small glasses of coke or water to give the impression he had already moved onto the top shelf. His friends and colleagues were finally forced to intervene when he was found to have a  case of Kaliber in the back of his car.

 

Watcyn-Jones continues to deny the allegations, stating ‘I was in Spearmint Rhino at nine in the morning, are those the actions of a sober man?’

 

Oaks could be made to pay heavily for Watcyn-Jones’s behaviour because, under Division 5 rules, all clubs  are obliged to play with at least five players under the influence. Pete Thorn confirmed, ‘We’ve never had to worry about this ruling before. We were usually well within our compliment of inebriated players – Frets doesn’t remember playing at all in the early part of the decade. These young players are causing some concern and it can’t be allowed to continue.’ Under experimental  rules, being brought in next season to keep the game amateur, Oaks would no longer be punished for fielding sober players. Instead bonus points will be awarded for having six players under the influence, with further points awarded at the discretion of officials. Ironically had this ruling been in operation two seasons ago Oaks would have been crowned champions after one member of the pack missed kick-off having been detained the previous night.

 

*If you, your friends, or family have or know anyone with a sobriety problem please contact you local branch of Designated Drivers Anonymous. (Meeting held twice weekly at The Gas Club, Malin Bridge) With their simple twelve step plan you will be drinking in no time.